Making space for what we need right now

Visceral heartbreak and grief are alive in many of us following yesterday’s shooting at Annunciation Catholic Church and School in South Minneapolis. 

Some of us are parents and chosen family, wondering how to talk to school-aged children about what happened (some helpful resources are here). Some of us are grandparents or elders, wondering how to support and care for the parents in our lives. Some of us are educators, or school professionals, approaching a new school year in the shadow of a nightmare realized. Some are community members, in deep relationships with our neighbors, friends, and coworkers, feeling helpless and disoriented in the face of such large-scale heartbreak and loss. Our communities are small and close: some of us are directly impacted by this awful event, and many more of us are only one to two degrees of separation removed. 

As human beings, so much of what we need when confronting unimaginable terror and tragedy is the same. In your conversations with kids, youth, and adults in the coming week—especially those most impacted by this tragedy—I encourage you to:

Trust what you know about your relationships. You know best how your kids/spouse/teacher friend process difficult information and/or receive support. Lean into what you know.

Center the victims and survivors; decenter the perpetrator. Learn the stories of those who died, and those who survived, and tell them to other people. Keep their memories alive.

Discern what spaces are most healing for you and those you are supporting. For some, attending a large vigil is connective and good; for others (especially children), the uncertainty about what may be said or the big emotions and large crowds at a vigil might not be the right fit. Remember that taking time in your home, or with smaller groups, is also a valuable way to grieve and process. 

Tend to your own self and spirit, even if you are caretaking or supporting others in navigating the aftermath of this trauma. If possible, take time to breathe, ground, and feel your feelings away from those you are supporting. This is good for you as a whole and individual human being in your own right, and will allow you to show up more intentionally with your loved ones. We will be working to create a space like this for parents in the coming weeks, with childcare provided.

Consider what information your loved ones may already have about the situation—you may need to ask children this question gently but directly. Be thoughtful about what specifics are helpful to focus on or avoid. Children may hear exaggerated reports from their peers, and also may not always need to know every graphic detail about a traumatic event like this. Remember: you know best what your loved one needs to heal.

Reassure your beloveds of the actions you take to keep them safe. While none of us can guarantee the complete safety of others, most of us are working in ways big or small to create more pockets of safety for those around us. Maybe that’s talking to your kids’ teachers regularly, or knowing their emergency plans, or maybe that’s advocating for increased gun safety locally and nationally. Maybe it’s surrounding your loved ones in prayer every morning or holding them in your heart throughout the day. However it is, let people know—it helps.

Take time to simply be this week: be present to your own heart and spirit, present to your family members, and present to your community.

And, if you also need to do, here are a few invitations:

• Adults (especially those not parenting school-age children): you can volunteer to provide childcare to children in 5th grade and younger so that parents (of children of all ages) in our congregation can come together to process, grieve, rage, and connect. Let me know at allison@firstuniv.org if you can volunteer to provide childcare for that space—once we have volunteers, we will set a date and time for that gathering.
• People of any age:
  • You can put pictures or drawings of those who have died somewhere important in your house.
  • You can light a candle.
  • You can make an altar.
  • You can say a prayer for all who were impacted and their families.
  • You can make a card for students and teachers at the school (parents: if your kids make these, you can decide whether to actually send the card).

Shallow platitudes cannot get us through this horrific tragedy. Self-help books cannot deliver us an easy peace in the wake of such all-consuming rage and terror. This is too close and too big for any one of us to navigate alone. So we turn to what we know: Community. Song. Poetry. Story. Breath. Prayer. Connection. 

If that’s what you’re seeking, join us this Sunday at the Lake Harriet Bandshell at 10 a.m. for worship. We won’t pretend to have answers. But we will make space for ritual, we will reach deep into our hearts and souls, and we will show up for each other in a Love that never lets us go.

If you can’t make it to worship but need a listening ear, a prayer companion, or resources for yourself or your family, please reach out to me or to any of our ministers. We are here for you.

Today, this Sunday, and always, remember: You are not alone. We are holding it—even and especially this—together. 

With care,

Allison